I’m doing…well. Its a pretty good feeling to be able to say, well, write that and have it be honest. When people ask me how i am and i reply with ‘fine’ or ‘good’, for the most part that is no longer a lie.
I still have bad days. I’m still depressed and i still have anxiety but its easier to manage and I’m finding myself more motivated and able to do things, big things like going out on my own as well as the small things like putting on my make up or brushing my hair. Its the little victories that really tell me how much better i am.
I’ve been on a new anti-depressant for a little over a month now and i think I’ve finally found one that does its job. I’ve got a GP now who listens and gives real advice rather than blaming it on my lack of friends or the fact that I’m over weight. This anti-depressant is supposed to help with my anxiety and sleep problems as well as my depression but so far its only really helping my depression, which does in turn help my anxiety so i guess it kind of is working on that front.
I have a lot of issues sleeping because its when I’m lying in the dark with nothing to distract my mind, my thoughts wander to a lot of things that upset me and then because I’m sad or scared or anxious i can’t sleep, and that means i don’t go to sleep until 3 or 4 AM and then won’t get up much before lunch time. It sucks pretty bad but I’m working on it with mindfulness and yoga (and occasionally listening to audio books as a distraction) so it is slowly starting to get a little easier.
*Trigger warning for this part-Discussion of self harm and food issues*
Its been just over a month since i last self harmed so I’m doing pretty well on that front. My self harm is something i don’t think I’ve ever spoken about on here, mostly because i still don’t feel 100% comfortable talking about it. I started self harming when i was around 12 and hid it from everyone until i was 16 so it still feels a lot like my dirty little secret and thats not what i want it to be. I am in no way proud of having self harmed or the scars that it has left but i refuse to be ashamed of it anymore. I might go a little more into detail about it in another post, I’m not too sure.
I’ve managed to eat pretty well this year. Theres been the odd pizza but overall my diet has included a lot of fruit and veg and I’ve managed to start eating things without feeling guilty afterwards. Its taken a lot of will power and support from Richard but I’m starting to feel pretty good about my eating habits and hope this can continue. Ive had a lot of phases of eating fine for months and then feeling absolutely horrendous about it so I’m putting lots of focus on keeping a healthy mind set about food.
*End of Trigger Warning*
So over all, I’m doing really well (touch wood) and I’m looking forward to continuing to feel good! I’m really anxious about sharing this since it really has a lot of stuff I’ve never shared with anyone but close friends and family. I just really don’t feel like mental health and the things that surround it should be something i or anyone should be ashamed of and by keeping things like my self harm and food issues a secret i felt like i was only adding to the stigma.I’m not sure if i might make this kind of post a more regular thing on the blog just to keep track of how I’m doing, let me know if its something you’d like to read!