I’m…not great. Typing that isn’t the easiest thing in the world, I’m used to pretending I’m okay and putting forward an ‘Well, I’ve been worse’. And thats true, i have been worse, but that doesn’t erase the fact that at the minute, i feel pretty poopy.
I’m struggling a lot at the minute, hence the lack of blog posts and youtube videos. I have zero motivation to even get out of bed, never mind do the day to day things i need to do like cook, eat, shower or tidy. So online things have pretty much just flown out the window.
The only upside is that this time, i have a reason. Usually when i feel like this its for no reason other than that my brain wants to play with me. On the third of march, it would have been my dads birthday and it was the first one i spent without him. On the 22nd it was my mums birthday and i was completely skint so i could only get her a few little bits. My mums amazing and she was super thankful and loved what i had gotten her, but i was hoping to get her some more things. On the 28th, its going to be my birthday and as someone who isn’t a huge fan of change, getting older sort of freaks me out. I know that I’m not old, I’m only turning 19, but its just that change of being older, expecting myself to be more ‘together’, more knowledgable, wiser. I expect myself to immediately become a better, more mature person on my birthday and when that (for obvious reasons) doesn’t happen, i end up feeling unreasonably disappointed in myself.
The next reason i have is that, in a month on the 25th of April, its going to be exactly one year since my dad passed away. I’m trying to avoid the fact that its on its way to be honest, i can’t bear to think that its almost been an entire year since i last told him i loved him, since he last told me her loved me. Its just really, really hard.
I am very lucky that when i have these phases, i do have a lot of support. My boyfriend will put in a little extra effort around the house, my mum will come and see me more often and my family in Denmark will send me a few extra email and i do appreciate all of that more than anything, but it also makes me feel weak and useless, which I’m trying to deal with. I know its not weak to accept help but i have to force myself to remember that.
Finally, I’m really struggling with body image. Im usually very accepting and loving of my body, its not perfect but its mine. Lately however, it feels like nothing i wear looks good, despite the fact that my body hasn’t changed. The fact that i don’t feel i look good then makes my anxiety worse because when i go out i feel like everyones looking at me because i look like shit. Of course, no ones looking at me but anxiety is a liar.
So there you go, thats how i feel. Not the most uplifting or positive of posts i know, but i want to be honest on here so i won’t hide how I’m feeling. I hope my next mental health update is a bit more cheerful, i know these posts aren’t exactly fun for reading, but thanks for reading it anyway!