It’s been a while since I’ve just sat down to write a post about my mental health, and a lot has been happening, so tonight I feel like I want to write about it, partly to just get it all out and partly because I really like having a discussion of mental health going on. I feel like if everyone posted about their mental health it would really help to remove the stigma around it.
I want to start out by saying I’m okay, this post isn’t a cry for help or anything, just me sitting down to write about how I’ve been feeling and hoping other people can relate. I’ve had a bit of a rollercoaster life lately, a lot of things have been happening and its been a lot of up and down. To start with, I got a job! A real job! And lasted two days….
Theres a lot about this that I won’t go into purely because its boring, but basically I told them at the interview about my ‘restrictions’ due to my anxiety, they were not passed on and now everything is a big issue and though I technically still have a job, I don’t think I’ll be going back. Theres a huge disregard for my anxiety from my manager and I just don’t think I’d be able to do the job safely or without further damage to my mental health. This leaves me feeling like a total failure, incredibly anxious and all round not wanting to get out of bed.
Here comes the up part of this rollercoaster though because I have friends now. Its probably a shock to most of you. There hasn’t been much mention of friends on this blog in the three-ish years I’ve had this blog and thats basically because I didn’t have any. I mean, I’ve had a couple for a few years now who are amazing people but live very far away, where as the friends I have now live near enough that I actually see them in person regularly, except for one who just had to go to uni the second I met him.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad I have genuinely good friends now and its definitely an up, they’re amazing people and I love spending time with them, but its the over thinking afterwards that gets me. Everything I’ve said or done floods back into my mind and I overlook how ever much time we’ve spent together and I wonder what they think of me.
It’s been a while since I’ve had human interaction with people outside my family and Rich and it leaves me constantly wondering if I’m doing and saying the right things or if they thing I’m a total weirdo and they’re just hanging out with me due to pity or not having anything better to do. I know thats not the case, they wouldn’t invite me to stuff or put the effort into coming over to mine if that were the case but its still a constant little niggle.
Thats anxiety for you though. Even though I know what I’m thinking is entirely irrational I can’t help but focus on the thoughts that no one likes me or they think I’m really strange or the million other thoughts that fly through my head at a million miles an hour until I’m so tired by them that I just give up and go to bed.
On the other end of that spectrum though I feel a lot more ‘normal’ and self assured than usual thanks to them. I felt for a long time like I was really immature compared to others my age and I think thats because the others my age I was used to seeing were fictional character in books and TV shows written by adults. Twenty-somethings in real life are still silly and a bit stupid, we’re mostly just not as mean as we were as teenagers!
I’ve also started dressing more like myself again, which may not sound like a big thing but it is. I had a very unique sense of style while in high school and when I moved to Liverpool to go to college I toned that down a bit…and a bit more….and a bit more, until I just wore jeans and t-shirts every day, which is fine, but its not how I enjoyed dressing. I just thought I had to deal with it, adults dress like that. My friends wear what they want though, and they look fucking amazing for it, and its given me the confidence to return to dabbling in the world of fashion.
I don’t think I understood the importance of friends before I met this group, and I think I’m growing into a better, more ‘my self’ person for knowing them. It feels like I’ve known them forever even though its only been a couple of months and I really hope this isn’t a fleeting friendship. This has gotten soppy hasn’t it?
Overall, my mental health is in the gutter and I feel like total shit, but I’m thankful for the good things I have in my life. I’m thankful for the people I’ve met and the laughter I’ve shared with them, I’m thankful Rich likes them all since he’s never liked any of my friends before, I’m thankful I have my cats and my home and netflix. I’m thankful for it all, big and small, and I hope thats enough.