I feel like when I do talk about mental health on here, I tend to skip over talking too much about my anxiety because it’s the part of my mental health that makes me feel vulnerable and like an ‘outsider’ but my anxiety is sky high right now and if I’m going to go on about ending stigma towards MH I think it’s time I talk about it.
Lately, my anxiety is absolutely sky high and everything that involves anything social or, really anything that means leaving my house is difficult and tiring. I had a therapist a while ago that constantly asked me why I get anxious about going out and I have no idea. I don’t think anything terrible will happen to me or to my home while I’m gone, I just feel sick and shaky and usually unable to leave every time I get ready and stand by the front door to go out.
Anxiety for social situations is easy for me, I worry about coming off as annoying or awkward, people thinking I’m stupid or abnormal. I am awkward, so it’s easy to worry about that while I’m out and then over think it for hours after any social interaction leaving me tired and hating myself.
I’m really proud of myself for forcing myself out of my comfort zone and getting a band together, and in practices i think we sound pretty good if I do say so myself, but every time I think about the gigs we have coming up I feel like I’m about to vomit. I know that chances are the gigs will be fine, we’re practicing hard and getting sorted, I trust the guys to not fuck up and I’m glad they’re the people I’ll be on stage with, but then my anxiety comes in. What if I forget the words, or trip over something, or look awkward on stage, or the audience hate us, or I’m just bad?
I’m doing my best to just keep my mind off it and focus on learning the words well (only two songs left to learn before practice tonight, wish me luck!). I’m hoping once we do the first gig I’ll feel less anxious about the others and hopefully I’ll be able to enjoy them all, and I try to help myself feel better about it I’m also planning on going to an open mic night or something similar to get a feel for performing again. So I do have a plan of sorts there, now I just need to follow it and I’ll be fine. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.